the chosen path?

I am standing at a crossroads or say about a mile up from one..... I am debating and trying to figure out what I want.
Homebirth.....
or
hospital birth....
One is more familiar but more interventions. One is more unknown or rather say less fancied upon by many. I want natural but not sure this is possible in a hospital. I want to feel safe but not sure this is possible in a homebirth, for me. If I have a traumatic birth at home will I feel like MY home is where I would rather not be. Because of the haunting memories. It would be easier to stay away form the hospital for those memories. Yet the hospital is more known for making these horrible memories. OR is that because mor emoms birth at hospitals and not at home. BUT I know all the buildings and dealings of choosing the homebirthing path, your healthier, happier, and more in tune to your body. Is the hospital a more easier way out? or in the end harder? My gut tells me harder but safer.... is that possible. how can that be? I should present a list of loaded questions to my reg hospital midwife and homebirth midwife. See what I get. See what I feel is right.
At times I wish I was ignorant. wish I didnt care so much. ....

slacker....

Yep you guessed right.... I have slacked, been sick and school and kids... life gets in my ways of my goals. I hate it at times but I know, especially my kids mean more. Well today I went to my mom's and hopped up on her scale.... I WAS WAY OFF..... I weigh 220! That is 20 pounds less then what I though! That means I only have 40 pounds to lose to get back to my goal of 180!! whoot whoot!! You might say 180 wow that is a lot no it isn't for me believe me! I was anorexic once and I know what I look like at 130. I look sick with my wide rib cage and hips. So I was def happy at 180! I am getting there slowly but surely! I am going to try and get on my elliptical tonight for about ten min. Once I feel better I will bump it up to 15min for a week! So please pray I feel better by tonight. :)
Oh and pray I stop losing all my hair LOL... stinkin hormones!

Late but not lazy!

I did work out last night! For 10min at 48rpm on my elliptical and burned 88calories! 3 days in a row!! Go me! By today I feel like I have energy, more then before!! Cohen is dressed and done, Keira is close and well me if I had clothes to wear I would be too!! LOL I am bit behind on laundry! I plan on getting dinner ready to go for tonight now and start more laundry! PLUS I need to get my orders done and school work finished! I feel like I can at least finish half of most if not all! We had mac and cheese last night blah but we are running low on food LOL. Ok here I go!!

Sep. 21st, '10 7pm

I did pretty well today!! I only had one glass of pop! I am taking myself off it slowly bc I am afraid of headaches from withdraw LOL. I had about two brownies today but otherwise pretty wise meal choices!! Low sodium turkey and cheese on a hoagie for dinner with grapes!! not to bad I think! Lots of water today! I just got done on my eliptical for ten min at about 48rpm and burned 89 calories! not to shabby! I will do this for about a week then I will ste p up to 15min everyday for a week I think! YAY to me now I am gonna go jump in the shower!!

Time for a Change

So I have decided to start charting my progress with my weight. As of today I weight somewhere around 240 I believe. I just watched super size me and thought wow... we are all zombies. I am going to start exercising, I am the way I am bc I chose it. I need to get a reality check and get up LOL. So I did just that and got up! I am starting slow. I worked out tonight for about 10min at 45rpm and burned about 88 calories!! That is more then I have done since before I had Keira. From today on I have banned myself from eating fast food and limit my sugary drink intake. I know what my diet is in close relation to my depression. I need to better myself so I am. After my workout and watching my movie I made broccoli with brown rice and sprinkled real parm cheese on top and lemon juice!! It is a good start! I want to be 180 and I can do this! I know I can. :)

My Angel Baby Girl!

Spring Blossoms as I sit here bewildered

Why do I feel this way? Why do I make decisions and then feel as if they r wrong? How come there r two paths? No matter how I look at it right now the one path is not right. With Reuben losing his job potentially and having no insurance... Oh BABY becomes Oh CRAP! So the only way I see is going to school. Why I am I scared of the distance? Why am I scared of leaving Cohen while I am in classes? Psychology is the right path right? Maybe some Criminal Justice in there also?? Why do I feel so down? Why cant I just be happy? God's Love should be enough. I feel restless and at the same time humble. I wish I didn't have to take meds to make me feel better. I wish I was ok. I really do want another baby and why does that cloud my vision. It shouldn't bc my logical part of me knows its not a good time. Plus I am not happy with myself and environment. It wouldn't be a good outcome. School is the best option. Everything will be fine... right?